Amelia was nice enough to cast a recovery spell on Conan and the gang continued on their merry way. After about a week in the desert on their horses with no names, they finally made it to the Tower of Schwarzenegger, where the Talisman of Time was being held and jealously guarded.

"Wow, it's really tall!" gaped Amelia.

"6,200 feet," confirmed Conan.

"Kind of makes you think they're compensating for something." Lina playfully elbowed Amelia with a wry grin. "Huh? Huh?" Amelia just looked at Lina, not really understanding the joke.

"Uh, what do you mean, Miss Lina?"

Lina rolled her eyes. "Oh never mind."

Conan looked the tower up, over, and around. "The talisman is probably being hidden at the top of the tower."

"How can you be sure?" asked Lina.

"The top's the nose-bleed section. Only the crazy would go up that high to steal it."

"I see. Well, let's just fly up there, get it, and get out."

"No flying," Conan defied. "We'll get noticed too easily. There's gotta be an subterranean entrance around here we can use."

"What makes you so sure?" asked Gourry.

"There's always a subterranean entrance."

The gang circled the tower a few times until finally noticing a ditch that led to a door, which opened up into a subterranean river with a boat and oars that if you rowed long enough, led you to a stairway that led up into the tower. Conan handled the rowing while the Slayers took in the sights. There wasn't much to take in. It was a dark, damp, depressing little hole of a subterranean cave and also cold. It took another couple of hours, but they did make it to the stairway and made their way up into the tower.

The part of the tower they entered into was a very gothic looking place with a damp, sweaty atmosphere that was almost suffocating. Made the subterranean hole seem like heaven.

"Now which way do we go?" asked Gourry

"Why don't we ask Conan the Tour Guide?" retorted Lina.

Conan said nothing. He just looked around, taking in the surroundings. Then a noise was heard.

"What was that?!" Amelia shrieked, requiring Zelgadis to put his hand over her mouth.

"Quiet! Probably just rats or something!"

Conan looked around some more, and then he motioned everyone to move. Amelia was at the back of the line, unable to get her mind off of the noise she heard. She proceeded behind the others cautiously then she heard it again. She wanted to shriek out at the others again, but decided not to. Then the noise got louder and everyone stopped, standing still as statues.

"I know I heard something that time, and I know that that's not the sound of rats..." whispered Amelia. Then a dark shadow loomed over Amelia. She looked up, and saw a giant blue troll, the source of the noise. "V-V-V...Vis van rank!" Amelia blurted out, magic power concentrating into her fist and then reflexively shooting out into the crotch of the blue troll with such force that when the pained groaning of the troll was heard Conan, Gourry, and Zelgadis all protectively cupped their equipment. Conan gave Zel a funny look for a moment.

"What the Hell are you cupping yours for?! Yours are made of stone!"

Trolls heal fast, the next thing anyone knew, the troll was grabbing Amelia by the throat and picking her up off the ground, trying to choke her.

"Amelia!"

Lina pushed her way to the back. "Hang on! Flare-"

"No!" Zelgadis grabbed Lina by her long hair. "You'll hit Amelia!"

"Well we can't just let her get choked up! NYUCK!"

Suffocated but not defeated, Amelia managed to aim her hands up at the ceiling and managed to breath through a clenched throat "Blam... blazer..." A piece of stone ceiling came crashing down on the troll's head, and he promptly dropped Amelia on the floor, who was then snatched and pulled back to safety by Zelgadis.

With Amelia now safe, Lina proceeded as originally planned. "As I was saying, Flare Arrow!" The troll was engulfed in a sharp ray of fire and, stunned, was charged by Conan (after the flames burned themselves out, of course).

Conan savagely slashed through the muscle and bone of the troll, blood and guts spewing out from the ribcages and chest of the blue behemoth, but just as quickly as the skin was cut open, it sealed itself up. The troll tried to grab Conan by the head to crush his skull, but the barbarian, surprisingly enough, was too fast to be caught. He maneuvered his way behind the troll and slashed him in the spine, only to watch it heal up within five rapid seconds. The troll spun around and tried to back smack Conan, but the barbarian ducked, and the next thing he knew, he was quickly crawling under the troll as he fell over in agonizing pain. Gourry had stabbed him in the back with the Sword of Light while the troll had turned.

"Thanks. Let's go."

For the next couple of hours, Conan and the Slayers wandered around the tower trying to find a way to get to the top, but ultimately just going around in circles.

"Hey, what's behind this door?" Lina opened up a door that was a possible way up and instead she and her companions were greeted with the sight of a mass fornification without religious or legal concent. The Slayers all became mesmerized by the sight.

"Oh come on, it's just an orgy." Conan left the chamber, only to have to go back to grab each Slayer and drag them out one at a time.

And so another few hours of wandering around followed, leading to a lot of frustration.

"Oh this is insane!" complained Lina. "We're just going around in circles!"

"Maybe we should use the map," suggested Amelia.

"What map?"

"That map." Amelia pointed to the wall and there was indeed a map hanging on the wall giving a layout of the tower and which way they should go to get to the top.

Zelgadis initially bent down to look it over, but Lina pushed him out of the way, and she in turn was pushed aside by Conan, who apparently felt he was the brains of the outfit.

"Let's see, we are here, in the lower chambers, and what we need is at the top, so we'd have to go through all these here to get the top there and-"

"Which all these here to get to the top there? And where is here and there?" asked Amelia.

"SHH! Let me read!"

But Conan got tired of reading, so he just ripped the map off the wall and carried it with him so they could find their way around. It took forever, but they did eventually get to the top of the tower. They had to kill a few guards, but that's life.

When they got to the chamber, they carefully unscrewed the hinges holding the door up and removed it, quietly sneaking in. There, at the center of the room, was the Talisman of Time, a gold medallion with a blue diamond like rock off centering it on a necklace. It had an aura all it's own.

"It gives off its own light?" pondered Lina. "I wish I had known about this thing before, then I would've stolen it."

"Stolen it? Miss LinaÉ"

"Oh I'm just kidding."

"It's a good thing you didn't steal it," said Conan. "If you had, I would have had to kill you to get it."

"What makes you think you can kill me?"

"What makes you think I can't?"

"Uh, I have a question."

"What Gourry?"

"If Conan killed you to get the talisman, does that mean I would have had to kill him?"

"Well, you're my protector, so you probably would have to."

"Then it is a good thing that we didn't have the talisman before."

"Uh, Miss Lina?"

"What?"

"Um, I have a nose-bleed."

"Huh?" Lina looked over and saw that Amelia did in fact have a nosebleed. Zelgadis noticed it as well and he tried to wipe it off. Then Lina noticed she too was bleeding at the nose, as were Gourry and Conan.

"I told you so," Conan said, pointing over at something on the wall. The Slayers looked over and saw a sign that read:

But for some reason, Zelgadis wasn't having a nosebleed problem. Must have been from having stone nostrils.

"Let's just get the talisman and then GIT."

"Leave it to me," Conan ordered. "I'm a thief, I have experience in this sort of thing. I know what I'm doing."

Conan lurched forward, stepping carefully, quietly, and doing it quite well for someone so big. Slowly, he removed the talisman from its table and placed it in a bag, then left a small bag of sand on the table it had been laying on.

"Let's go."

Conan and the Slayers were about to leave when they were greeted by the sight of an old man, a young average sized sandy haired man, a big man with curly black hair, and a bunch of black clad soldiers, some men, some beasts.

"I think not!" bellowed the old man. "But be assured we come in peace."

"Then let us go in peace."

"I can't let you do that. I am the High Priest of this tower," said the old man.

"Hi High!" the intruding Slayers waved their hands.

"Stop that! These two here are my nephews Brulator the quiet," he indicated the big man with curly black hair, beard, and green eyes. "And his little brother, Juan the over-sexed," he indicated the average sized, sandy haired man.

"I am not over-sexed, uncle! I only do five women a night five times a week!" Juan protested. "If anything, you all here are undersexed!"

"Is there a point to all this?" asked an annoyed Zelgadis.

"The point is we can't let you take that talisman of time," said the old man.

"Why not? You aren't using it," Gourry pointed out.

"We're just borrowing it," said Lina. "You'll get it back when we're done."

"The talisman belongs to us," said Juan. "You can't borrow it."

"No longer."

"And who are you, you big over grown piece of meat?"

"Conan!"

"The barbarian."

"I've heard of you. And your associates are?"

"I am Lina Inverse! Beautiful, charismatic, gifted, insightful, and prodigiously talented Sorceress Supreme! And did I forget very sexy?"

"You're sexy?" asked Juan. Then, very down puttingly "I don't think so."

"Why you! FIREBALL!" Lina threw the aforementioned fireball at Juan but Brulator whacked it away with his sword.

"A thousand thanks, dear brother. Just wait, you'll get your revenge on them soon enough."

"Revenge? What revenge?"

"You've broken into our tower, attempting to steal our property, and murdered our servants and our pets," answered Juan. "And THAT grieves us!" He paused a second. "You killed our troll. My dear brother Brulator, is beside himself with grief!" Brulator looked down at his feet and started crying. "He raised that troll, from the time it was born! It was like a son to him!"

"Uh, I'm sorry about your troll, Mr. Brulator. My name's Amelia, I'm a princess from Seyruun, this is Mr. Zelgadis and that's Mr. Gourry. Mr. Zel's a chimera and Mr. Gourry has the sword of light and-"

Zel put his hand over Amelia's mouth again. "Stop talking."

Brulator stopped crying and gave Amelia a lustful look, and Amelia started trembling with confusion and fear.

"No, Brulator! Don't fall in love with the enemy! You said you were a princess from Seyruun, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"What's this? The princess of Seyruun helping thieves steal the talisman of time, and among them the Swordsman of Light?!" Juan started acting all melodramatic. "Oh dear what is the world coming to?!"

"Oh my God he's right! I'm a criminal! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Amelia started hyperventilating, Zelgadis and Lina had to start coaching her to calm down.

"Breath Amelia. Breath. Breath."

Conan hung his head at the ridiculousness of his cohorts. Gourry looked up at the tower's guards with that big innocent look of his and just had to ask, "Why's everyone making a big deal about this Talisman of Time?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Juan belittled him. "Must be that your blonde that you don't get it."

"Shut up, Juan!" ordered the high priest. "Brulator, hit him across the face!" Brulator did as he was told punched Juan across the face.

"Was he just implying that people with blonde hair mentally inferior to people of red hair and brown hair?" Gourry asked Conan. Conan nodded. "Does this mean I have to beat him up now to defend my fellow blondes?" Conan shrugged.

"Getting back to your earlier question young man, the reason we're making such a big deal about this is because the talisman is too dangerous," said the high priest. "The talisman of time should never have been created in the first place. Time is not a thing to be toyed with. Do you have any idea of the damage that could be done with this thing? Evil dictators could rule the Earth, or monsters could over-run the land! The swordsman of light may not have fought the great beast Zanafer, and- well you get the idea. We are sworn to keep it hidden from the world and unused by those who would do evil!"

"That includes you, Miss flat chest red head, Miss crazy princess girl, Mister rock freak, Mister muscle-bound freak, Mister dim-witted blonde haired guy," added Juan with malice.

"Flat chest red head?!"

"Crazy princess girl?!"

"Rock freak?!"

"Muscle bound freak?!"

"Dim-witted blonde haired guy?"

"Alright, prepare for us to kick your monkey asses!" threatened Conan.

"Damn it Juan!" bellowed the high priest. "Brulator, hit him again!"

Brulator did as he was told and punched Juan again.

"Let's do it!"

The Slayers and guards charged each other, stopped only by an uncalled for voice.

"Excuse me," Amelia raised her voice before the actual fighting began. "Miss Lina says that the reason you men built this tower so high is because you're all compensating for something. Is that true? If so, then what are you all compensating for?"

The guards all fell over, stymied by the ridiculous question. The Slayers nearly fell over as well. Then the guards got back up and they fought anyway.

"We'll show YOU what we're compensating for!" yelled Juan as he picked himself up to lead the charge all over again.

"Uh, Juan, you just justified what she meant."

"Shut up!"

Swords clashed, adrenalin flowed, the beasts and half beasts growled, veins popped out of people's foreheads, and some of them were unfortunate enough to get blown up by spells.

Conan and Gourry fought back to back while Lina, Zelgadis, and Amelia kept their distances by throwing spells as opposed to fighting with swords. "Damn, they just keep coming!" Zelgadis growled as he hit a string of men with a Gaav flare.

"Miss Lina, is this the part where you blow up everything with a Dragon Slave?" Amelia yelled as she fried a werewolf swordsman with a Diem Wing.

"I would if I could just get a break in here to cast the spell! It actually takes a few seconds, you know? HUP, fireball!"

"EEK! Trolls! More trolls!"

"Oh this just gets better and better. Flare Arrow!"

During the fight, Conan and Gourry got separated and somehow Gourry ended up fighting Brulator. Brulator was both taller than Gourry and bigger than him; he was Conan muscular, with veins in the biceps, flexing pecs and everything. He was also a trained fighter. It hurt his hands just to feel the clash of Brulator's sword through his handle. Gourry could've turned the light on in his sword, but he made it a rule only to do that for opponents who were inhuman. And since Brulator was human, he couldn't ethically use the light.

Forcing their swords into a downward lock, Brulator did a double right hand punch on Gourry (the kind where you punch him with your knuckles then hit him with the back of your fist). Gourry punched him back, only to get kicked in the stomach then to have Brulator spin around and hit him in the chest with his elbow. Gourry leapt back to get some space, swords clashed with fury and vengeance. Then during a twirl clash, Brulator slashed at Gourry's arm and then smacked him with the flat part of his sword.

Thrown up against a wall, a dazed Gourry saw the blurred vision of Brulator charging at him, and quickly rolled forward as Brulator tried to slice off his head and broke through the brick wall instead. Either Brulator was superhuman or the wall was very old. Gourry hoped it was the latter. Back on his feet, Brulator wasted no time charging Gourry again, but now feeling a new surge of adrenalin, Gourry stuck first. Ignoring the pain in his arm, Gourry punched Brulator with his left, then with his right, left again, then right, and then kicked him in the face. Gourry raised his sword above his head and brought it down into Brulator's left forearm, thrown up to block, and cutting it. Brulator hardly looked aware of any pain.

"Oh come on that had to hurt a little."

Without answering, Brulator charged again and this time pinned Gourry up against the wall. Tripping him down, Brulator prepared to slice Gourry's head off like a melon, but another sword caught his as he tried to bring it down.

"Conan?"

"Gourry go! I'm saving your ass now go!"

Gourry did as Conan told, and prepared to face off against the more inhuman guards, the ones he could use the light on and not feel unethical about.

"Light come forth!"

Conan and Brulator's swords clashed, the veins in the arms showed like cracks in the dusty earth, the testosterone levels unimaginable. Conan noticed that Brulator was bleeding in the left forearm, so he struck primarily at that side and occasionally mixed it up to try and confuse him, but Brulator seemed more than capable. During a hold, Conan kicked Brulator in the balls and he dropped his sword. Conan swung at his head, but Brulator leaned back and punched Conan, knocking him against the wall. Brulator head-locked Conan, forcing him to drop his sword, but then Conan bit into his hand and got thrown at the floor. Brulator grabbed him by the ankle, but Conan pulled out a dagger and cut his hand. Brulator did not cry out but he did let go. Back on his feet, Conan tried to gut Brulator, but the bigger man's armor couldn't be pierced. Brulator beat his fists into Conan's ribs and guts with such fury it would've broken the average person's bones and organs. But Conan was no ordinary man. After nearly a dozen blows, Brulator finally paused for a breath, and Conan struck back, fueled by testosterone, beating Brulator's face with a combination of powerful left and right hooks, eventually breaking the bigger man's nose. Brulator punched him back after a few minutes, then both men picked up their swords and resumed the traditional duel.

"Dug haut!" Zelgadis placed his hand on the floor and brought forth a wall of spikes, with him and Amelia on one side, and Lina on the other side, unreachable to the guards. "That ought to buy you your time!"

"Do it to it, Miss Lina!" cheered Amelia. "HUP, Blam Blazer!"

"Elmekia Flame!"

"Hold on guys, I'm on it." Lina whispered to herself with closed eyes, casting her semi-forbidden Dragon Slave. "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond the flow of time is where your power grows. I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand before the mighty gift bestowed in my unworthy hand-"

(Yes, I know that's not the original Japanese version for the spell, but I'm working with a deadline so cut me some slack please)

But just before Lina could say the magic words, she felt something sharp and metal pressed down there between her legs. "Now, now, now, we can't have that." Lina opened her eyes and it was Juan. "I took the liberty of hiding behind one of the bigger guards so I could sneak behind your Rocky's wall here. Was that wrong?"

Lina glared. "If you don't get your sword away from me right now-"

"Ah, but what makes you think you can blow me away before I did something like, oh sayÉ stabbing you right through your stomach? Or your chest? Could you cast a spell to save yourself with all that blood building up in your throat and lungs?" Juan smirked. "But honestly, my goal was to try and take your virginity behind this wall with them all busy, so let's try to behave ourselves."

Lina went an angry red in the face. "Touch me and die!"

"You don't appreciate what a favor I'm trying to do for you. It's not like you could ever lose your virginity any other way, least of all with your blonde oaf boyfriend."

"He's NOT my boyfriend! I'm gonna fry you like a-"

"You'll find that difficult wench while I hold the sword at this range so close I could very easily take the life from you. You really should just try to enjoy yourself."

Then one of the stone spikes from the wall came tumbling down. Juan looked over his shoulder and Lina looked over at the figure jumping over towards them. "Gourry!"

"LINA!" Sword of Light turned on at full blast, Gourry broke Juan's sword as he tried to block him. His momentum still going forward, Gourry tackled Juan and smashed him right into the wall, dislocating his shoulder and knocking the wind out of him. "Are you alright, Lina?"

"Just fine Gourry, now stand aside." Gourry did as he was told as Lina lined up in front of Juan. "Elmekia Lance!" In a second, Juan was reduced to barbecued mess. "That'll teach you to try and sexually molest a maiden! Now where was I? Oh yes. Gourry, stand over there. Atta boy. Zel, Amelia, Conan, run!"

"What took you so long?"

"Did you forget a verse Miss Lina?"

"Never mind! Just get down!"

Through burned eyes, Juan saw Brulator fighting Conan. Just when it looked like Brulator would triumph, Conan cut open his throat and he fell to the ground. Conan then proceeded to hack him up into pieces to small for even a mouse to consume. "NO!"

Lina aimed her hands at the guards of the tower of Schwarzenegger and said the magic words. "Dragon Slave!"

The guards of the Tower of Schwarzenegger, along with the tower itself, were destroyed in a brilliant haze of fire. The tower came crumbling down, requiring a lot of insurance investors to run for their lives. The Slayers escaped though, protected in magic orbs cast by Amelia and Lina.

"Now why didn't I just blow up the Tower in the first place?" Lina asked broadly as they rode away.

"When we arrived or when the fighting started?"

"When the fighting started."

"You said you didn't have time."

"Oh yeah."

As they rode away, none of them would've noticed the burnt, average sized figure emerging from the rubble, raising his fists in the air and screaming "GOD DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"